29 1/2

Happy half birthday to me! Ever since I can remember I have always given a nod to my half birthday, January 21st. I know it's not really a significant thing, but something usually catches me on this day and I recognize, huh, 6 more months until I grow one year older. Sometimes it's a quick introspection into how well the year is going, other times it's a chance for me to make goals.

The year 29 is interesting. You're still in your 20's, which seems young still, but before you is the age of 30, which seems to be a defining moment of adulthood. I have heard of the "mid-life" crisis, and recently read about a "quarter life crisis" and I do definitely understand the whole concept as I think I am going through some sort of life moment/stage as I look at my life.

I was always a planner. From a young age I had a plan to go straight to college, find a husband, and be pregnant within a year of graduation. Oh man, how things change. First, it took me 5.5 years to graduate, second I did not date my future husband during college as we did not start dating until 1.5 years after college, and at the age of 29, there are no babies in sight (or in-utero). And ya know, I am actually really okay with all of it. I am so happy with all of the events that led me to where I am today. I also have learned that plans should be adaptable and re-evaluated regularly. Plus, even the best laid plans go awry.

So what's my point? At 29.5, do I feel ready to turn 30? Yes and no. Most of the time I feel mature and ready to take the next step, a family. I want a baby so much, I have been ready for years. But then sometimes I recognize that in order to take care of another human, I have to take care of me. In general I have made great strides in this department, but I also have been struggling for the past year both physically and mentally. The physical part sucks, of course, but honestly, it's the mental part that is just so frustrating.

I have been depressed. No sugar coating it. Depression manifests in different ways but for me, it's wanting to just sit on the couch and zone out to TV while I eat food without being hungry. I have not been working out consistently, full of excuses, and then I feel guilty for not taking care of myself.

 I spoke with a counselor last year and truthfully, she is just not the right fit for me. I didn't feel like she thought I was"in need of help enough" if that makes sense. She never said that but she would say things like, "do you need to see me again?" or "what about if you make an appointment as needed?" or "let's give it a couple of weeks before I see you again" which made me feel like I was wasting her time or something. I don't know, it was just a vibe I got. So I found a new counselor and will be seeing her tomorrow. I think it helps to talk to an impartial person every now and again. Someone who will be honest with me. Someone who won't judge or make me feel bad.

My goal is to get over the slump I have been in for the past year and feel better mentally. I have a plan to work on the physical stuff (meds and the elimination diet) and now I have a plan for the mental part. By my birthday I would like to have a healthier relationship with food and spend less time in front of the television (ideally only when I am spending time with my loved ones).

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